Falling In
by Shikibu
Summary: SHOUNEN-AI. Hiei's thoughts on Kurama. H x K


This is my first attempt—pathetic or otherwise—at shounen-ai, so please be nice. *big chibi eyes* It's awful, angsty, **_SHOUNEN-AI_**, and full of OOC-ness. See I capitalized and bolded and underlines the "shounen-ai" part? That means that you are supposed to notice it and click the back button if you have problems with boy/boy love. 

WARNING: In case you didn't catch it the first or second time, this is **_SHOUNEN-AI_. **Two people of the same sex romantically attracted to each other. Or, rather, one person romantically attracted to another person of the same sex. But yeah, you get the idea. I'll say it one more time: **_SHOUNEN-AI_**. 

DISCLAIMER: Neither Hiei nor Kurama would be single if I owned _Yu Yu Hakusho._

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Falling In

There's this thing that happens when you're in love. No, that's wrong. A lot of things happen when you're in love. But there's this one overpowering thing that happens the moment you realize you're in love. Well, one of two things. You're either happy just to watch from a distance, or you need to be loved back. 

I used to be fond of the latter. No, I really wasn't fond of either. I'd never been in love before. I didn't know what it was like. I used to think it was easy—easier. But it isn't. It's like a maze and there's only one way out. 

You have to forget. You'd think by now I would be good at forgetting. I should be an expert. Well, I'll tell you a secret. I never forgot anything. I just accepted it. It got easier after a while, to accept that no one wanted me. And I never wanted them, either. But now…something had gone wrong. 

I didn't know it was love at first. I didn't know what love was. Kurama had told me about it once. Something about feeling happy and whole. I wasn't feeling "happy" or "whole"; I was feeling like shit. I was feeling broken and dead. If I were one of those ningen poets, I would be able to come up with some touching metaphor. The best I can come up with is a shattered mirror. I felt like a shattered mirror. Either fire demon's have an strange reaction to affection, or Kurama was way off. 

There is nothing good about love. It's a waste of time, emotion, and energy. Whoever said love was a blessing must have been feeling something different. Or maybe _this_ wasn't love. 

I liked that idea. That I wasn't feeling love. Maybe I was feeling hate, instead. Maybe I hated Kurama—I knew that was impossible the moment the thought entered my head. But it made a nice fantasy of five miliseconds. 

Nothing seemed right. It was like trying to put a puzzle together, but I couldn't find the last piece. Anger. Why would the kitsune be on my mind night and day if I was angry at him? None of the emotions I knew seemed right. So I started on the ones I didn't know. I looked "love" up in something called a dictionary. Kurama had given it too me a long time ago, in case there was any chance that I might want to speak some day, he had said. 

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Love (noun): an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion. I threw the dictionary onto the ground in disgust. That made love sound like a good thing. Why did everyone want to be in love? I told you, it hurts! Do you want to hurt forever? Then don't stop me from letting you fall in love. I think I know why it's called "falling" in love. Because you are falling. Down and down and down and there is no way you will ever be coming back up. Unless…unless… But what are the chances of requited love? Love is hell and only angles can save you. But these angels don't care. 

And why the hell would he even want someone like me? He deserves better, someone who won't hide in the shadows. Someone different. Someone who loves the light and the sun and will be there for him. Someone who can make his life better. I'm not that someone. I'm the someone who just watches from the sidelines. I said that before. You either like watching, or need something secure to hold onto, an "I love you, too."

I felt like I needed something to hold onto. But I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to go there. Because when—if—_when_ you turn me down in that gentle way of yours, I'll break apart. I'll just collapse. And it will all be your fault. Then how would you feel? To know that it's all because of you that I've crumpled. But I couldn't stand to do that to you. Because it would cause you pain. Because then it would cause me pain. 

And I'm overflowing with that already. 

Okay, nice warped depressing-ful ending, I thought it was a good place to end. See? Don't it suck? Please feel the need to review/flame. The Purple Button is calling you…


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